So things keep piling up. I hate complaining, I hate bitching and crying, but whatever. I take one step forward, 2 steps back. My parents, for the first time, helped me when I reached out to them, without any criticism. It was shocking to me, and at the same time, made my self worth plummet. I should be taking care of my parents, not relying on them. I’m on meds for anxiety and I can’t seem to figure out when I should or shouldn’t be using them. I can’t sleep without the aid of medicine. I’ve lost my appetite. I’ve lost my will to go to work and earn a living. The only person who i feel truly listens to me, and understands me is a girl (who I have finally accepted as my ex girlfriend) who I completely dicked over and mistreated her last summer, simply because she showed emotions towards me and I didn’t know how to accept that. Everything is a reminder of what I’ve done wrong, or shouldn’t be doing, or should be doing better and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t explain it. I don’t know how to fix it. Every day is a struggle. I find myself near tears, and nearing panic attacks for no reason. It’s taken alot for me to finally seek professional help, but I don’t even know if that’s enough.
I just don’t know about anything anymore. Music is the only constant in my life, and always has been. I have great friends, but I don’t think they can relate (well most of them anyway). Tomorrow I’m going to see what my job can do in terms of medical leave. There’s so much I need to do to get my life back to 0 and I just want to lay in bed.
Sorry for all this.
- ericesun posted this